Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year