Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
You Might Also Like
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
PLOT TWIST:
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it