beware of dog
(jukin media)
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I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Midwest trash talk
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
this is the best day of my life
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.