Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.