I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
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One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.