[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
You Might Also Like
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.