My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
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the saddest jazz hands ever
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay