[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
😲 WTF? 😆
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.