I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
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Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Are we there yet?…
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Genius idea!!
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.