Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore