My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.