Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Just a friendly reminder!
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.