twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
58.