Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Great game to play with friends
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Blew out my flip flop…
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.