I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
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While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.