I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”