Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
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[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable