[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*