How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
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7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Don’t talk down to me
Mummies are just super modest zombies
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one