My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Lucky old June.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.