Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!