Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
You Might Also Like
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
New mindset, who dis?
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]