Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
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Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me sliding into hell like
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?