Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
this is the greatest thing ever
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.