A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I am yelling
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.