My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
subtitles are so good nowadays
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.