Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
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no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Go girl power!
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.