“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
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I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”