When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.