Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect