Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.