Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You Might Also Like
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*pronounces fake like saké*