Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath