Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
You Might Also Like
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.