An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
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“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Okay me first
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!