Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Time heals everything 🙂
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Speak now or ever hold your peace
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Not messing around
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters