i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud