Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.