4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”