what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.