If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
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Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao