Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.