Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead