A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
¯_(ツ)_/¯
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.