Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.