♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat