I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
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I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
My blood type is coffee.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.