north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
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BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Breaking news:
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
This bar smells like my childhood.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that