For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.