alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
lmfao
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
This line from Airplane.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.